January 5, 2009 at 4:25 pm
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged blessings, contentment heart's desire, delight, desires, God, job, Lord, money, new car, new house, Psalm 37:4, sobriety
I have been pondering Psalm 37:4 all morning. All it says, and I paraphrase, is if I delight in the Lord that he will give me my heart’s desires. Wow, that means that all I have to do is delight in Him and I will get a new car, a new house, a job, plenty of money, right? That is so amazing. Ah, but there is more to it than that.
As I think about the verse, I realize a very important thing. If I am delighting myself in the Lord, then His desires will be my desires, not the other way around. That changes things a little. Here I am being so discontent, thinking that God has overlooked me and blesses everyone but me, when all along if I had only been delighting in Him I would see that I have blessings beyond measure. I have an amazing family, my sobriety, a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back and I could go on. The point is that when I delight myself in the Lord that I suddenly realize that I do have all my heart’s desires.
Does that mean that I can’t have other wants? No, not at all. It simply means that my true heart’s desires come from God. I am going pray that God will help me to delight in him always. That is what my heart desires more than anything.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. (Pslam 37:4)
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January 2, 2009 at 10:11 pm
· Filed under Uncategorized
What a strange dream. I was working at my old place of employment (15 years ago) and I was living with 3 guys that I didn’t even know. We were sitting in the living room and one of them lights up a joint. He says to the other guys, “we have got to get this dude (me) to smoke this with us”. Now 15 years ago, I would have smoked it right along with them, but instead I told them that was in recovery and that they were welcome to smoke if they wanted, but that I wasn’t going to partake.
I have to wonder if I refused in my dream because now not using is the norm for me. After all, it was a dream and regardless of the decision that I made it wouldn’t have affected my sobriety. It was a dream and not real. For some reason, my subconscience chose to reject the drugs. This is an encouragement to me.
I have been sleeping alot more soundly recently as well and have not been struggling with insomnia as I was a few weeks ago. I really believe that God is beginning to give me peace. Now, that being said I also understand that I need to not let my guard down. I can’t ever let myself think that I have this thing licked. I must always be alert to temptations and never allow myself to stumble. As long as I stay alert, I will be able to continue to have victories instead of defeats.
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January 1, 2009 at 2:21 pm
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged blessings, honesty, hope, New Year, sobriety
Photo by Timothy K.Hamilton
Happy New Year! For the first time in many years I heard those words at midnight last night sober. Praise the Lord. It is a pretty amazing feeling.
2008 was a pretty rough year. I went through a lot of pain and turmoil and put my loved ones through the same. 2009 is going to be a better year. It will be a year full of hope, honesty and blessings. For the first time in a long time I truly have hope for a new year. For the first time in years I remember everything I did on New Year’s Eve. Hallelujah!
This is going to be a good year. I can feel it.
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December 30, 2008 at 5:05 pm
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged drug abuse, honesty, job interview, open book, second chance, sobriety
I had a job interview today with a national restaurant chain looking for a General Manager for one of their stores. It went extremely well. We talked for over an hour. It was a little nerve racking to have to sit there and answer question after question, but regardless of that it went very well. As I have told many of you who read this blog, my life is an open book. I told the gentleman who was interviewing me all about my struggle with drug addiction. I thought it was important for him to know what he was getting himself into. He was very grateful for my honesty and told me that he believes in second chances and that he wasn’t concerned about it as long as I was taking my sobriety seriously.
Wow, amazing how being honest with someone can be so liberating. I didn’t feel like I needed to hide it or to try to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I just let the true me shine through, and it was liberating indeed. I really think I could get used to this honesty thing.
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December 28, 2008 at 12:17 pm
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged death, honesty, joyful, mortality, sober, sobriety
Yesterday marked my 9th month of sobriety. That is huge, because it is the first time in nearly ten years that I can say that at all. I have really worked hard at it and I am very proud of myself. These nine months have proven to be some of the most trying and yet most joyful of my entire life. If nothing else they have been the most victorious.
Something else happened this week that was not so exciting. A dear friend and middle/high school teacher of mine passed away on the 23rd. Not that anyone ever deserves to die, but this amazing woman certainly did not. She was a wife, mother and an incredibly Godly woman, not to mention an encouragement to everyone whom she came in contact with. Her death has really made me think about my own mortality. Hearing of her passing has made me realize that I have truly wasted much of the past ten years by being in a haze. I have been foolish. I will not, however, waste the next ten. I want my life to be just as much an encouragement to others as Mrs Geyer’s was to me. That alone should be enough to keep me sober.
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December 21, 2008 at 5:03 am
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged Celebrate Recovery, depression, group therapy, marijuana, recovery, self medicate, sober, sobriety, therapy
Well, it is pretty exciting that I am only one week away from 9 months of sobriety. It is probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. The blessings I have received from being able to see more clearly are numerous. I haven’t really said here though what it is that I am sober from.
Well, it is complicated, because I never really had a drug of choice as you would. I would pretty much use whatever came my way. Recently, I was using marijuana. Now many people say that you can’t really be addicted to marijuana, but they don’t know what they are talking about. I was using marijuana on a daily basis, sometimes throughout the day, and I did some pretty stupid things along the way. My Wife, God bless her for her loyalty and support, went to jail because I spent our car insurance money on pot and then lied to her. She was in a car accident and though she was physically ok, she was emotionally scarred because of my lying and deceit as well as going to jail for the night.
What a scum bag! That is how I felt when it all went down. It didn’t take me very long to realize that I was about to lose it all; my wife, my kids and my sanity. I called my Dad and told him what happened and told him that I had a drug problem, and though he wasn’t excited by the news, he was supportive and helpful in getting treatment. I now attend a 12 step program, Celebrate Recovery, and attend 1-2 meetings a week which includes a mens step study. What a difficult yet fulfilling 266 days it has been.
As I have mentioned before, I also suffer from chronic depression. I begin group therapy in January for that as well as being on several anti-depressants under the guidance of my pshychiatrist. I honestly believe that I have been depressed for many years and that I used the drugs to self medicate. The use of some pshychodelic drugs along the way probably didn’t help the mental situation either. Now that I am not using anymore, I think that the depression is rearing it’s ugly head. I am really hoping that I can uncover whatever it is that was the reason that I used drugs in the first place. I take responsibility for my own actions, but obviously I did them because they made me feel good. I just need to find out what it is that made me feel so bad in the first place. That is scarey and thrilling all at the same time. I am about to delve into some pretty dark territory. I pray that God will help me to get thorugh it and maintain my sobriety. Right now, I would’nt have it any other way.
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December 19, 2008 at 2:36 am
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged birthday, depression, sober, sobriety, son, treatment
Today is a huge day for me. You could say that it is big because today I am 264 days sober. That is big indeed, but not the reason today is huge. It is a big day because it is the eve before my first day in outpatient treatment for my depression and who knows what other issues we may uncover. That is big as well. But not the reason that today is so huge. The reason that today is so huge is because it is my only sons 1st birthday. Some people may not understand why that is such a huge deal. Besides the fact that he is the sole carrier of the family name, because there are no other boys in the family as of yet, he is the son that I always wished I would have. Don’t get me wrong, I love my two daughters more than life itself and would NEVER even think of trading either one of them for anything in the world. It is so huge because while my wife and I believed that we were done with having kids and had resolved to contentment with the amazing and wonderful girls that we have, God had other plans for us. One year ago today Cameron was born, a boy.
Why does that matter in the grand scheme of things? After all the title of this post is “What am I Thinking?”. How does having a son when you didn’t plan on having any more kids play into this all? It means that I have another young man that I am responsible for teaching what a real man is. My daughters are a big motivation to seek the help that I need, but my son, now that’s different. It’s different because it means that he will be using me as an example of what he should be as a man. That is a huge burden to bear. Not only does it motivate me to seek help to get my life back in order, but it motivates me to write this here for the whole world to see so that one day when he is struggling and needs guidance, I can draw from my experiences and show him that a real man gets the help that he needs and is not ashamed of it.
So happy birthday Cameron. Your Daddy is working really hard to pave the way for you. He wants you to be the best man that you can be, and wants you to know that you never have to go it alone. Ask for help, take the help that is offered to you and prove to the world that you are a real man.
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December 18, 2008 at 3:04 am
· Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged addict, addiction, chronic depression, depression, drugs, help, lies, lying, manhood, recovery
My name is Chris. I am a husband and a father. I am also a recovering addict. Did I mention that I am chronically depressed? But above all I am a real man. See, I have discovered that being a real man is not about being an athlete, or being a brute, or being all the things that society tells you that a man is supposed to be. Real men can certainly swill beer and scratch their bellies and all of those things, but that isn’t what makes a real man. A real man is made when one stands up, takes responsibility for their own life, defines their shortcomings, bad habits, hang ups, and hurts and then takes action to set everything straight. Sometimes that means getting help. This may be in the form of stopping and asking for directions, or maybe it means turning to doctors and psychologists or support groups. Whatever it takes. This blog is about how I became a real man and about my ongoing journey to become a better man, husband and father.
I have recently learned, I mean within the past few days, that real men are honest. I have not been very honest. I have lied to my wife. I have lied to my family. I have lied to my friends. Most of all, I realize that I have lied to myself. On all accounts I am truly sorry. About a month ago, I became unemployed. Though I have led many to believe that I was laid off due to slow work conditions. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I quit. If you ask me why, I honestly couldn’t tell you. Like I said, I am chronically depressed and not much makes a lot of sense to me right now, but I am searching for the answers. I know that I wasn’t happy at work, but perhaps that was just due to the depression. I honestly don’t know that there was any rational reason. I do know that I lied and that I am truly remorseful.
I was also recently accused of stealing something from someone very close to me. I understand that it is nearly impossible to trust me right now, but regardless of what is believed I did not do it. I suppose I set myself up for being the fall man. I was hurt and angry at first to know that I was being accused, but I am not angry any more because if it was I that had something stolen, that I would point the finger at me too. I know that I have done some bad things in the past and that regardless of what I say that I won’t be believed, but I am confident in my truthfulness.
I suppose that is all that I have to say for today, but I will being brutally honest here. You will know how I am felling and what I am going through, down to the nitty gritty. My life is an open book and this is the pages. I hope that you will read, comprehend and learn from my victories and defeats so that your life may only be filled with victories and that the defeats will only be part my past.
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