It is wholy true that we pay for the sins of our past. All the lies and deceit that lead to mistrust from those that we love can’t be taken back. They seem to haunt us forevermore. Even once we rebuild trust, there is always going to be a voice in the head of those that we are close to that asks “am I being told the truth”.
A few weeks ago I celebrated two years of sobriety. Even after two years of hard work and dedication to remaining sober, still those that love me wonder if I am using. I can’t blame them. I made fools of them and they do not want that to happen again. It used to be that even when the evidence that I was being untruthful was stacked against me, people believed me. Now, the assumption is that I am being untruthful. Again, I don’t blame them, but that doesn’t mean that it is easy to take. The only thing that even makes it all bearable is the knowledge that God has forgiven me.
The reality is that even with God’s forgiveness, I will always have to face that distrust with those that I love, no matter how much I truly try to do what is right. I will probably never be able to fully rebuild the trust, no matter what I do. Regardless of what the truth is, anytime something is out of place and the facts don’t seem to add up, in peoples minds it will be me that is responsible. I understand that. I wish that I had understood it before I put my loved ones through what I did. Maybe I would have made different choices if I had. Who knows, as the past is the past. The only thing I can do now is do the best I can, be honest, remain sober and pull back the covers. I made my bed, now it’s time to lay in it.
