You made your bed . . .

It is wholy true that we pay for the sins of our past. All the lies and deceit that lead to mistrust from those that we love can’t be taken back. They seem to haunt us forevermore. Even once we rebuild trust, there is always going to be a voice in the head of those that we are close to that asks “am I being told the truth”.

A few weeks ago I celebrated two years of sobriety. Even after two years of hard work and dedication to remaining sober, still those that love me wonder if I am using. I can’t blame them. I made fools of them and they do not want that to happen again. It used to be that even when the evidence that I was being untruthful was stacked against me, people believed me. Now, the assumption is that I am being untruthful. Again, I don’t blame them, but that doesn’t mean that it is easy to take. The only thing that even makes it all bearable is the knowledge that God has forgiven me.

The reality is that even with God’s forgiveness, I will always have to face that distrust with those that I love, no matter how much I truly try to do what is right. I will probably never be able to fully rebuild the trust, no matter what I do. Regardless of what the truth is, anytime something is out of place and the facts don’t seem to add up, in peoples minds it will be me that is responsible. I understand that. I wish that I had understood it before I put my loved ones through what I did. Maybe I would have made different choices if I had. Who knows, as the past is the past. The only thing I can do now is do the best I can, be honest, remain sober and pull back the covers. I made my bed, now it’s time to lay in it.

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All my heart’s desires

I have been pondering Psalm 37:4 all morning. All it says, and I paraphrase, is if I delight in the Lord that he will give me my heart’s desires. Wow, that means that all I have to do is delight in Him and I will get a new car, a new house, a job, plenty of money, right? That is so amazing. Ah, but there is more to it than that.

As I think about the verse, I realize a very important thing. If I am delighting myself in the Lord, then His desires will be my desires, not the other way around. That changes things a little. Here I am being so discontent, thinking that God has overlooked me and blesses everyone but me, when all along if I had only been delighting in Him I would see that I have blessings beyond measure. I have an amazing family, my sobriety, a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back and I could go on. The point is that when I delight myself in the Lord that I suddenly realize that I do have all my heart’s desires.

Does that mean that I can’t have other wants? No, not at all. It simply means that my true heart’s desires come from God. I am going pray that God will help me to delight in him always. That is what my heart desires more than anything.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. (Pslam 37:4)

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Victories even when asleep

What a strange dream. I was working at my old place of employment (15 years ago) and I was living with 3 guys that I didn’t even know. We were sitting in the living room and one of them lights up a joint. He says to the other guys, “we have got to get this dude (me) to smoke this with us”. Now 15 years ago, I would have smoked it right along with them, but instead I told them that was in recovery and that they were welcome to smoke if they wanted, but that I wasn’t going to partake.

I have to wonder if I refused in my dream because now not using is the norm for me. After all, it was a dream and regardless of the decision that I made it wouldn’t have affected my sobriety. It was a dream and not real. For some reason, my subconscience chose to reject the drugs. This is an encouragement to me.

I have been sleeping alot more soundly recently as well and have not been struggling with insomnia as I was a few weeks ago. I really believe that God is beginning to give me peace. Now, that being said I also understand that I need to not let my guard down. I can’t ever let myself think that I have this thing licked. I must always be alert to temptations and never allow myself to stumble. As long as I stay alert, I will be able to continue to have victories instead of defeats.

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Starting the New Year right!

Photo by Timothy K.Hamilton

Photo by Timothy K.Hamilton

Happy New Year! For the first time in many years I heard those words at midnight last night sober. Praise the Lord. It is a pretty amazing feeling.

2008 was a pretty rough year. I went through a lot of pain and turmoil and put my loved ones through the same. 2009 is going to be a better year. It will be a year full of hope, honesty and blessings. For the first time in a long time I truly have hope for a new year. For the first time in years I remember everything I did on New Year’s Eve. Hallelujah!

This is going to be a good year. I can feel it.

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The truth comes out . . .

I had a job interview today with a national restaurant chain looking for a General Manager for one of their stores. It went extremely well. We talked for over an hour. It was a little nerve racking to have to sit there and answer question after question, but regardless of that it went very well. As I have told many of you who read this blog, my life is an open book. I told the gentleman who was interviewing me all about my struggle with drug addiction. I thought it was important for him to know what he was getting himself into. He was very grateful for my honesty and told me that he believes in second chances and that he wasn’t concerned about it as long as I was taking my sobriety seriously.

Wow, amazing how being honest with someone can be so liberating. I didn’t feel like I needed to hide it or to try to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I just let the true me shine through, and it was liberating indeed. I really think I could get used to this honesty thing.

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Thoughts about mortality

drugfree

Yesterday marked my 9th month of sobriety. That is huge, because it is the first time in nearly ten years that I can say that at all. I have really worked hard at it and I am very proud of myself. These nine months have proven to be some of the most trying and yet most joyful of my entire life. If nothing else they have been the most victorious.

Something else happened this week that was not so exciting. A dear friend and middle/high school teacher of mine passed away on the 23rd. Not that anyone ever deserves to die, but this amazing woman certainly did not. She was a wife, mother and an incredibly Godly woman, not to mention an encouragement to everyone whom she came in contact with. Her death has really made me think about my own mortality. Hearing of her passing has made me realize that I have truly wasted much of the past ten years by being in a haze. I have been foolish. I will not, however, waste the next ten. I want my life to be just as much an encouragement to others as Mrs Geyer’s was to me. That alone should be enough to keep me sober.

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A little bit of history.

Well, it is pretty exciting that I am only one week away from 9 months of sobriety. It is probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. The blessings I have received from being able to see more clearly are numerous. I haven’t really said here though what it is that I am sober from.

Well, it is complicated, because I never really had a drug of choice as you would. I would pretty much use whatever came my way. Recently, I was using marijuana. Now many people say that you can’t really be addicted to marijuana, but they don’t know what they are talking about. I was using marijuana on a daily basis, sometimes throughout the day, and I did some pretty stupid things along the way. My Wife, God bless her for her loyalty and support, went to jail because I spent our car insurance money on pot and then lied to her. She was in a car accident and though she was physically ok, she was emotionally scarred because of my lying and deceit as well as going to jail for the night.

What a scum bag! That is how I felt when it all went down. It didn’t take me very long to realize that I was about to lose it all; my wife, my kids and my sanity. I called my Dad and told him what happened and told him that I had a drug problem, and though he wasn’t excited by the news, he was supportive and helpful in getting treatment. I now attend a 12 step program, Celebrate Recovery, and attend 1-2 meetings a week which includes a mens step study. What a difficult yet fulfilling 266 days it has been.

As I have mentioned before, I also suffer from chronic depression. I begin group therapy in January for that as well as being on several anti-depressants under the guidance of my pshychiatrist. I honestly believe that I have been depressed for many years and that I used the drugs to self medicate. The use of some pshychodelic drugs along the way probably didn’t help the mental situation either. Now that I am not using anymore, I think that the depression is rearing it’s ugly head. I am really hoping that I can uncover whatever it is that was the reason that I used drugs in the first place. I take responsibility for my own actions, but obviously I did them because they made me feel good.  I just need to find out what it is that made me feel so bad in the first place. That is scarey and thrilling all at the same time. I am about to delve into some pretty dark territory. I pray that God will help me to get thorugh it and maintain my sobriety. Right now, I would’nt have it any other way.

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